Saturday, March 28, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Scarlet boy’s Room
Scarlet boy: guy u know say u deh fuck up?
Bed bender: how?
S B: you just allow that gal waka yesterday
B B: ha, you no see the way she deh look like lioness, abeg oh no be me go turn into im surrogate papa oh
Pot Bender: shut up, u too deh give excuse self
B B: see who deh…
All: SHUT UP!!!
SB: today Na she deh look like lioness, yesterday, Na she’s too fair, the other day Na I don’t like big (fat) girls. U Na Gaylord or gay-brel?
BB: (turning to g.3) but you know say me I deh track…
MOUTH Bender: why you deh involve me for this matter? See me see trouble, I deh play my psp je je, na im you involve me. Abeg guy face front!!
BB: oh, because say I deh involve this weak guy make e be say e deh try na why u deh get mouth ehn
SB: Na true self, I never see g.3 with anybody since our 100l, u Na confirmed Gaylord!
MB: Ur papa Gaylord, you know how many people I don follow
BB: enh now, Ur girlfriend Na Ur left hand now, you think say I no know how u deh polish that rocket…
PB: see who deh talk, (to BB) you weh I catch deh come from oluku, lie say Na food or suya you go buy
BB: you know say the suya for there make sense…
PB: shut up jo, u leave like 5 suya stands for main gate, enter okada 100 naira go oluku just for suya!! You think say na ta ta you deh follow talk ehn, see this odeku!!
SB: alright, let’s not get too carried away, remember its BB we were questioning
PB: oyibo, u go fear Ur head, abeg speak broken before u start to deh convulse
BB: SB, you self when be the last time I see you with woman, Na im you deh form advocate and moderator…
SB: oh, now you no deh see me abi? But e better pass pesin weh dem deh slap on a constant basis
BB: slap who?
SB: shut up! You think say I no deh there when that tall girl slap you last week. When you go deh talk like small pikin why dem no go deh slap you on a kentro level. E good as them deh slap you sef, make e deh format that Ur rusty nut weh you deh call your brain
PB: SB, you sef no be you go write exam for that runs girl weh no even drop anything for you at the end of the day
BB: Na true oh! You no fit even collect kanda ehn, you write exam for runs girl, bobby u no even press kai see mumu oh!!
(All except SB laugh)
SB: ooh, Na fuckup’s we deh talk about ok. You weh deh laugh (@ MB) no be you weh that combelina say make u straf weh you run comot say ur mama say make you no deh do, (PB@) you nko? No be you go party for our first year with textbook and you (@BB) no be you weh go press that girl nyash during clearance weh she catch you give you correct slap with her pam slippers. You suppose change your name to slapee since ur calling na slap collecting
MB: ooh, na old gist you wan deh bring up abi? Make we start, no be you weh Barbie throw comot from her room say u deh trespass
MB: speaking of which, omo una don see Barbie of late?
BB: omo, dat girl don babe up oh! (@ S.B), if to say u no behave like dog ehn correct BINGO that year, na you for deh enjoy that meat
SB: ehn I know say I fuck up that year, but I no deh carry am enter my final…Everyone: SHUT UP!!!!!!...
Monday, March 23, 2009
This past week has been a funny one. Against my better judgment and every fiber in my being I got myself the cartoon series “avatar: last of the air benders” and went on an avatar watching marathon. Every minute spent not receiving lectures was spent in front of the TV watching it (of course when nepa decides to show us some mercy and the gen manages to behave) speaking of which, this gen ehn! It’s as if it has a mind of its own. Today it’s the carburetor, tomorrow it’s the piston, next tomorrow it’s the fuel tap… the only time it manages to “behave” just know something in the room is going to blow! I lost nothing less than 4 chargers including a friends laptop charger to that beast, this semester so far it has blown 2 DVD’s and is still counting! The funniest part is that when I’m alone it works well but once anyone pays a visit it will start alternating from super low current to ultra high and the next thing POOF!! Something’s on fire. I have contemplated throwing it away but the gen and my roomie have this bond so… ehem back to my story…. Yes the avatar, I became so engrossed that I forgot I had an assignment due Thursday, and its only residual knowledge that saved me cos the time frame was too short and… (Sha the important thing is that I did it). Then how I knew it had become serious was when I started giving people names like “bed bender” to one of my randy friends, “pot bender” to one that is always hungry and some that I’m even too ashamed to mention! I don’t know the evil spirit that sent me to watch it ehn, now I’m scared to sleep cos every time I do I see myself as a avatar-Jedi knight flying and killing baddies and… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
So me and the boys decided to hang out on Friday, since there was no one to “warm our beds”(lol) and you go fear “boys gone wild!!!!” see grown men stomping, dancing to tunes inside their heads, and pocketing bottles… Gosh, It was so funny cos I was like an observer laughing my ass off the whole time and even giving them some “useful” tips like “climb the table” or ”men…that girl deh scope u, oya approach am …”(I managed to stay sober cos of a very embarrassing moment I had some years ago when I… nah, too embarrassing. Sha it taught me a very valuable lesson, STAY IN UR SAFE ZONE!!! Which I eventually exceeded.) How I got home is still sort of hazy but I think I undressed on the way home cos my shirt was hanging on the line outside and I was down to my boxers and… yes my belt was in the bin… Shayo no good oh!!!
Today (Monday) is matric and once again Unibend has won the battle to bend some more people's lives, don’t know why we still remain the no.1 school of first choice asin if I was asked to go back in time and choose another university, and well…let’s say Unibend won’t be on my first 5 schools. Sha happy matric to the 100l students and here’s wishing you at least 4 “bendful ” years. Enjoy
Lost my aunt last week. Though we were not that close sha I’ve just been feeling bad… and chelsea have done it again!!! those mo fos couldnt win a game even with a man sent off!! In short eyimba, here i come (just kiddin) but seriously, chelsea COME ON!!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Things I Hate About Myself
1. I get easily depressed
2. Most times i think the whole world hates me...
3. I fall in love too quickly
4. Im very vindictive(sorry, i've realy tried to work on this...)
5. I have ''complex'' sometimes
6. I loose intrest in people and things quickly
7. Not too much of a smooth talker
8. I can get ''over zealous'' for the wrong things and reasons sometimes
9. I give unnecessary attention to some irrelivant things so many times
10. I feel i talk too much (like the saying goes all talk and...)
11. I set very high standards for everyone especialy when i like you (refering to members of the opposite... aah girls ok)
12. I expect too much from people
13. Im too much of an introvert (i keep to myself a lot quoting one of my friends ''i push people that want to get to know me away'')
14. I talk to myself a lot
15. im very critical of things, asin its hard for me to see the bright side of things i like looking for (gulp!) the faults and analyzing them
16. i think i have ocd, i cant stop myself from arranging my room, books, clothes, pens, toiletries...
Gosh i really have some issues!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
No, I'm not gay, but I will admit that I check out guys when I meet them for the first time. In one or two quick glances, I'll see if their shirt fits well, if their pants fit well, what kind of knot they have for their tie and if their shoes are shined. If they're in t-shirts and jeans, I'd look to see what their style is.
By processing this information, it gives me a good idea what kind of person the guy is and how much he cares about the way he presents himself. He can be someone who is really fussy--paying attention to the minor details like cufflinks and matching patterns for their shirt, suit and tie or someone who doesn't care at all like a guy who doesn't iron their shirts.
How you present yourself not only changes your attitude with how you interact with other people, it also affects the way they interact with you. Wearing a suit and tie promotes professionalism and you always hear people talk about dressing for the position you want. Sounds obvious but people are attracted to good-looking people. They are more likely to talk and help to someone who looks presentable, versus someone who presents themselves to be a slob.
When it comes to taking care of yourself:
1. Either smell pleasent or have no smell at all. That's actually one first-impression you don't want to mess up.
2. Attend to random strands of facial hair. Pluck, don't shave.
3. Trim your nose-hairs! It's kind of disgusting when you are talking and your nose-hairs are flaring out. Worse, there might be one long single strand dangling. Keep them invisible.
4. Male sure your nails are clean or neatly trimmed. A lot of girls will look at a guy's hands and it's a huge turn-off when they see grim there.
5. Chapped lips? Yeah, not too attractive with the dry skin peeling off your lips. Carry chapstick or lip balm.
6. Always be dandruff free!
I'm no fashion guru, but here are some helpful tips for the business attire:
1. Always wear a clean shirt. Make sure there aren't any stains on the shirt or even any sweat marks around the collar.
2. Always iron your shirts. If you are too lazy and no one can do it for you, try investing in some wrinkle-free shirts. Brooks Brothers make some of the best shirts that you can just wash, dry and hang up--without ironing.
3. When picking out your outfit, you want to go for subtleness. If wearing a suit, make sure your suit, shirt and tie go together without any one of them standing out more than the other two. Avoid color clashing! Navy suit with orange shirt really doesn't go together.
4. When picking out a tie, know which shirt you're going to be wearing. You can't wear a skinny tie with a wide-spread collar.
5. Tying the tie properly with the right knot makes a HUGE difference. Know more than just the Four-in-Hand knot. Windsor and Half-Windsor knots generally look a lot better (but not always). Dimple in the tie is a must. All you have to do is just pinch and pull when you are tightning your knot.
6. Match your belt and shoes! Brown belts with black shoes (or vice-versa) is tacky!
7. Without going into specifics about what sock color matches with what shoes and pants, try to keep your socks dark--preferbly black, dark grey or navy. Never wear white socks with dress shoes!
8. Make sure you get shoe-shines! If you take good care of your shoes, not only with they look better, they also last a lot longer. The instant shine stuff you buy at the store doesn't count! Either learn to shine your own shoes with shoe-polish or pay someone to do it. Shoes are probably the most important thing you wear because their comfort level dictates how you feel. Take care of them because they take care of you!
By following these tips, I'm positive that your overall outlook will be better. You don't need to be metro to do these things. Most importantly, be confident because confidence always shows.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Looking back to my first year or let me go back to when I was still getting jammed by JAMB. I had this funny notion that once I got admission all things would work out asin respect, getting the chicks, looking and living fly, the parties and generally get to experience the fun of being an undergraduate (my older ones and friends always painted a very crazy picture of life in the university…) and so it was with this mentality that I kept on enduring the stress and stigma of writing JAMB more than once, attending JAMB lessons, and the constant reminder by my dad (who never told me point blank but I always got the message) that I wasn’t supposed to be at home but in school, all this time I kept mute only looking at the prize.
Finally in 2005, I got admission to YABATECH and though it wasn’t what I wanted, hell it sure beat staying at home. now the life there (YABATECH) was cool, though I couldn’t blame them (if you had the UNIVERSITY OF LAGOS as a neighbor you would have to adjust wouldn’t you?) and they tried so hard to be like their counterparts but there was a clear distinction. Life there was fun, believe me people in polytechnics know how to get down asin the parties were crazy made a lot of really cool friends and the girls… don’t get me started. So when I had to leave there for something “better” in November, (yep the God of JAMB finally heard my prayers and please don’t get me wrong I have nothing against polytechnics but… u know now) it was like I had won 10million naira in “who wants to be a millionaire” I was practically counting down the days to my trip to Benin. and so when I finally started I just couldn’t wait to continue with the kinda life I had, then came the minor setbacks… first my dad insisted I stay in the schools hostel which believe me “no deh try at all!!!” so the chicks had to wait till I got a place of my own Damn you dad!!!, then dressing… I found out that I brought the wrong kind of clothes asin I was all big t-shirt, baggy jeans and sneakers only for me to find out that this was a shirt, cut and sew trouser and PAM SLIPPERS wearing school and I was constantly standing out as a jambite cos I was just odd. I kept on enduring the constant taunts of “jambite”, ”jambito”, ”mummy’s boy”… by staylites till one of my friends advised me to change my dressing before “confra guys start tracking me” and so I joined the PAM brigade.
Then there is this common notion that the higher you go the easier things get believe me that is so wrong!!! Now a typical gal in 100l wont be caught with someone in her level (believe me its true) they rather go for the “randomest” guy in a higher level (pls allow my English) and in my day, what we used to console ourselves was that next year there would be fresher’s abi? So my 100l came and passed and the only remarkable event in my life that year was the welcome party organized by my department cos that was when the dean of students in his wisdom decided to ban all parties, shows and events on campus except church activities, so this meant officially I was socially FUCKED!!!
Come 200l and we eagerly anticipated the arrival of the “jambites” only for those in 300 and 400 to continue oppressing us and taking our chicks (though we didn’t own em we felt it was our right to have em…), come 300l and it was the final year that they had all the glory and we consoled ourselves that come final year nothing would stand in our way and now come final year they are after workers and people serving asin these gals eyes just get bigger and bigger!!! And now the new gist is that the chicks are easier to come by in camp during youth service (laughing… well till then…)
The sad truth is that the higher you go the more difficult life becomes. Personally speaking, I long for my primary and junior secondary school days when I didn’t have to worry about anything except when cartoons were going to come on on TV (it was 4pm I think for local stations and all day for those of us with ktv and cartoon network),the size of meat u'll get that night, the constant trips to fast food joints, when to play with friends (police and thief, mummy and daddy...) and which senior to dodge in secondary school. Now I have my project on my neck, my grades to maintain, the haunting question of what I want to and what I’m going to do with my life after school, and how long it will take for me to set myself up and get married (though I’ve given myself 10 years you never know…), and the kind of person I want to get married, if I will ever get married (I’ve seen things that make me ask myself this question time and time again) and other things like being broke all the time and trying to avid the constant stream of girls on my neck who think I’m the father they never had, I’m so tired…
Life in the university (well I don’t know about yours but here for me in Unibend) is STRESS!!! I got to find out the hard way. If I start listing things I have experienced ehn, you will wonder how I managed to remain sane (though I nearly lost it last year!) So this year I have vowed to take things easy cos if anything happens to me Unibend aint gonna pay my dad gratuity or anything. But seriously don’t believe the hype, anything who tells you that life in the university is easy is either not a real student of that school asin has fake admission or doesn’t know why he or she is there in the first place. Ha!!! I hate my life right now!!!
Someone was shot on his way to school on Monday; I can’t imagine who would want to kill someone on a Monday morning!!! It’s my prayer that God will give the late students family the fortitude to bear their immeasurable loss amen.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
This past week has been one of sorts… my lecturers decided to bury the hatchet and have resumed lectures and they have found new ways of venting their frustrations of grievances and guess how? They are piling us with assignments and term papers and notes and references and this and that… and right now I don’t even have a life talk less of having time to blog… God help me cope oh!!!
I just miss the days when I was carefree and didn’t give 2. Now I have so many thots in my head like what I’m going to do when I get out of this hell hole, when I will finally let myself love someone again, if I will ever do that, when next I’m gonna get laid and it had better be soon (just kidding)…
I finally decided to stop using the cyber café near my hostel and get me a zoom mobile data card (ah an clap for me now!!!), boy did that turn out to be something else. I got to the zonal office and was told by the smug looking sales girl that the prices had been reviewed so I ended up paying 15000 instead of 5000 as if that wasn’t bad enough the sales girl told me my money was short of 500 (how this happened I will never know but I swear that girls hand moved at the speed of thought!) then their gen chose that day to pack up so imagine trying to configure my laptop with the battery which (quoting riley freeman in one of my favorite cartoons “the boondocks” thank Black Jesus!! ) I managed to charge. Ok now, Mr. Technician install the drivers and all. That’s when my laptop decided to start displaying its talent it refused to install the driver and without it I would be unable to browse, u go fear begging laptop to do well now. Finally it installed and when it was the allotted time I happily tried to connect only for it to show error, contacted the customer care only to be told that I hadn’t been registered on the network and that I should come to their office the next day, I got to the office only for them to tell me that nothing could be done till Monday. As if that wasn’t enough, on my way back some scruffy men who called themselves policemen stopped me and were nearly carting me away to their station cos I was in possession of a computer with internet connection, see me see wahala!! Since when did having a laptop become illegal in this country? Well trust me now as a lagos boy i no fit deh dull myself. I just told the guy point blank that unless he had any evidence that I was doing anything wrong he should let me be or I was going to call my (fictional) uncle who was a major general in the army (trust me now ehn, police for Eko never hold me na these dull Benin policemen go come chop my money. Ori Oda!!!) Anyway the zoom thingy started working only for me to find out that the service over here at Ugbowo (Unibend’s host community) was abysmal. It takes up to 30 mins to open facebook! I later found out that I had to be at an elevated position to get good service so… u go fear browsing on my hostels decking (lol).
Lately I’ve been sorta moody (wish I knew the bloody cause!)And its affecting the way I relate with a lot of people… I’m naturally an introvert and find it difficult to make friends so you can imagine how fast I’m loosing them. Hmm… I’m just TIRED!!!
The pix above is a warning to everybody entering Unibend how the school will truly bend you