Dstv and other matters arising...

My fellow citizens of bloggsville, I'm BACK!!! Sorry for my absence, twasnt my fault. Ok, let’s see… I was very sick for like two weeks (the doctor said malaria, I know its ‘OWU’ a.k.a. lack of cash) and ive been struggling to regain my health and stuff. Then the case of my project, I feel like crying anytime I think about it, I don’t seem to be making any headway in mine, I'm still suck in chapter one, its as if whenever I want to type or work on it I loose all my inspiration In short, I run out of ideas.

Before I continue, I want to get something off my chest. I recently got re-acquainted with facebook while on my sick bed (well… there was nothing better to do). Frankly, I’ve never seen what the big deal is about this website, ok you can connect with your long lost friends and classmates and stuff and find out what they are up to, but to be honest facebook has become a nuisance! It’s no surprise to see a (taking unibend as an example) student on facebook, even till 5 minutes to their exams and opera mini has made it so accessible to all as with 0.00 naira you can browse and sleep in facebook. Now talking about people’s status, this is supposed to like show or tell people what ur doing at the moment abi? (that’s why its called a status update, duh!!) but trust naija, some people’s status sometimes fill a whole page, seriously! Then there was the Michael Jackson week, I nearly ran mad!!! In short, I don’t want to talk about it, its upsetting enough that I’m a fan (always have been, always will be a fan of the king of pop, Michael Jackson) And then there is talk about irrelevant things and events in ur life that frankly should only be known to you, who wants to know that you just got laid or 3 people are dying for you and shit. We sometimes over do things, one guy went as far as going graphic on his status I mean….. don’t we know the meaning of PG13? To some people its funny, I for one don’t send such things but lets be honest with ourselves, something’s that we sometimes post on facebook are uncalled for.

(taking a deep breath…) and now for the order of the day, this past week has been one of sorts, I got 2 new phones (blushing) bringing my tally of working phones at my disposal to 6! Seriously, phone no deh gree spoil for my hand, so I retired my “old faithful” Motorola L7 and LG KP230 for a Nokia 5220 xpresmusic phone and Sony Ericsson W710i, hmm… then my dad after some pressure decided that he was tired of watching the sub-standard programs on naija telly and decided to persuade the powers that be for DSTV. Ok, finished the installation and stuff, see me running up and down like a mad man trying to activate this account, from Saturday till they answered me on Monday, it was either call back in 2 hours or we have done it , or the smart mouths telling me how to operate a decoder! Asin,

DSTV GUY: ok, Mr. scarlet boy, is this account yours?

SCARLETBOY: (see me se trouble…) yes its my account

DSTV GUY: are you sure the decoder is on?

SCARLETBOY: (see me see trouble, am I retarded now?) yes now its telling me error 105 (and I go on to read it out)

DSTV GUY: ok, change the channel to 209

SCARLETBOY: (taking a deep breath) it has been on this channel since Saturday!!!

DSTV GUY: ok, remove the smartcard, please be sure not to bend it or put it in water

SCARLETBOY: (chei, I don die) Mr. Operator or customer service..

DSTV GUY : the name is James

SCARLETBOY : (with your voice like Scooby doo) Ok, James am I a kid that will bend the smartcard or do you think this is the first time I have seen a decoder or I'm sure ur thinking that this is like the 9^th wonder of the world abi?

DSTV GUY : I didn’t mean that, one cant be too careful…

SCARLETBOY : (raising my voice) Or I tell you say na kitchen the decoder deh abi?

DSTV GUY : Ehm… I'm sorry for that statement

SCARLETBOY : MSCHEEEEEEEW, sorry for yourself you twit!

And in like 5 minutes the bloody decoder started working and I was like, is it until someone shouts and stuff before u guys act? Now trust my father, (from now on, Papa C) I had expected him to switch over to the winning side asin CNN and all but trust Papa C, lie lie, the man no gree at all, this guy na correct OLD SCHOOL!!! The first blow came only minutes after installation, Papa C said he wants to watch African magic, AFRICAN MAGIC!!!, ok, Papa C watch your home videos, by 8pm when I was gearing to watch MTV or a movie, my guy say I'm wan watch AIT news and I was like no problem Papa C, watch it on normal T.V, for where, the man said he wants to watch it on DSTV, see me se wahala…

SCARLETBOY: But Papa C, we have AIT on normal T.V,

Papa C: ehn, I know but that one makes my eyes pain me

SCARLETBOY: (ooh… na now u know say ur eye deh pain u abi, since when you deh watch this AIT, your eye no deh pain you abi?) ok Papa C, watch your AIT.

From AIT to NTA to CHANNELS, this man was watching all the local stations on DSTV and was even about to watch another home movie that they were showing on one of the local stations when I reminded him that come oh, u said you were tired of watching local stations abi, why are you still watching them on DSTV? And do you know how annoying it is for the whole house to watch what you are watching!!! But still he’s my Pa, and I love him so so much. Anyway, In my haste to get back home, I forgot my zoom data card in school, and now I have to settle for one cyber café down the road that has a very rude punk ass as its operator. And, since ASUU has decided to be ASUU, I'm stuck here for a while…

Until I come your away some time very soon, I remain yours sincerely Scarlet boy wishing you a blessed and fun filled week.

Ciao

Random Mussings......

Time flies... I finally finished my exams on Monday only to hear that the great ASUU had decided to go on an indefinite strike, and trust unibend, the school cleared in a couple of hours... thankfully, I was able to write my last paper for the semester thanks to Prof. Okojie’s (a.k.a MADDAM) influence... so after exams me and the guys decided to hang out over a copula beers and just chill, little did I know that I was to become the main issue that night. It turns out that moi, scarlet boy has not been doing well to his friends and generally making a fool of himself in the name of love (if it can be called that). Hard and cold accusations backed up by facts that even I couldn’t deny, and so I've been shown the correct path, but the simple truth of that night was that I found out that I have true friends who might not take a bullet for me but were willing to look me dead in the eye and tell me my mistakes (which truly I never knew were that much) and the way forward, and for that I’m truly grateful, it took a lot of guts.

Now thanks to ASUU, I’ve been reduced to a very jobless individual, with lots of sleep, sleep and more sleep!!! But like a "scholar" (I claim it) I have my mind on my project and my project on my mind. I can’t even imagine that I haven’t even started; this goes to show how serious Mr. Scarlet boy is!

I’ve been wanting to ask a general question, why is it that when a guy wants a gal so bad and he shows such likeness, she mostly shuns him but when that moment has passed and the guy has gotten over her, that sorta likeness now starts coming from her own end? The same applies to the guys. Now I have thought about it time and time again and I want to clarify the question by giving 3 examples using myself as a case study.

Case1 – the ex…

I dated a gal sometime last year and thought we were in love (if that truly exists) all for us to end cos according to her (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in one of my previous posts)she couldn’t cope with the distance and stuff (she was in Lagos and I was based in Benin as per school and all) and I'm not ashamed to say this any time any day, I practically begged to work something out (although the fault was mine cos I broke up with her first and all) and she declined saying all sorta things and giving all type of excuses. So I did the hardest thing, I let her go and got a grip of my life, in other words, I moved on. Now my own version of moving on is no calls, txt messages, no sympathy visits and such. I just keep my distance, and so like a month ago, I get a message from her telling me how much she’s been missing me and then the calls keep coming and I'm like ki lo de? This is someone I haven’t seen or hasn’t bothered to call me and stuff telling me this and that whether we can still work things out and stuff (ok, she wasn’t that direct but I got the message) and what comes to mind is that, why did it take you more than a year to remember that you missed me and stuff? Or wasn’t the grass greener over there?

Case 2 – The Friend…

Now, this gal goes into my list of maybe’s. Now because of this chic, I broke one of my most sacred rules of dating aside from dating a friend’s sister which is dating the ex of a friend. Now, before you start criticizing me and stuff let me explain. We were close in our year one but from 2 we drifted apart to the hello, hi kind of guys. Anyway, the babe became friendly and stuff and trust Scarlet boy, I became friendly too, as they say, you cant have too many friends. After a while, I noticed that she was becoming more than friendly and we talked about that and she said and I quote "it doesn’t matter", I talked about it with my friends and they also gave me the green light, so like any red blooded guy, I "did well", I started showing her attention and stuff and all went well till the day I finally asked her out and after stalling asked me about my friend and I was like see me see trouble, I asked you this question some time ago and there was nothing wrong with the whole idea of us getting close, but now when I’m loving up, you are asking me about him. the next thing she said was for me to give her some time, since we were in the festive season as in, December and all, so I gave her till the new year to decide and boy did she have her answer then, I quote "scarlet boy, I really like you but my friends are saying that our going out is a bad idea" and that ended it. That was 2 years ago. I called her sometime last week to ask how exams and all had been for her and she was all missing and stuff and I was like what the... this is someone that downright rejected me and even a very reliable source told me that if I was to ask her out right now, she would readily agree, and I'm like???

Case 3 – The not too smart guy…

Now I never believed I would turn down someone in my life, enter... what shall I call her... ok lets call her B. Now, B came at a time when all was going well for me, I wasn’t as broke as I am these days, the chicks were all liking me and stuff and generally, I felt like I had the whole world at my feet. Then came my secret admirer, she started by calling and stuff and when that didn’t work, she asked for a meeting, we met and I saw that she was...ok... but since I had seen other chicks that had more "prospects" so I shunned her, avoided her and even when she gave herself to me on a platter of gold, I turned her down. In short, I was a complete asshole. Now I’ve been thinking of her of late, I think its because I see her friend like everyday (she’s my neighbor) so I met her online last week and we got chatting and stuff and I just started feeling things I normally didn’t feel for her before, it was like someone opened a reservoir and my emotions tumbled out, I told her my mind and she simply sent a laughing smiley and the next thing I see is a picture of her kissing another guy, and I was like what the???

Now using the given examples, what do you think is wrong with people or to bring it home, what is wrong with the people I meet, its either they realize too late that they like me ormyself realizing that I like them too late or… it’s as if like the poem I posted in an earlier post, I'm confused, they are confused and in short we are all a bunch of confused people.

I'm outa here.

P.S

I'm developing a crush on someone, its now so bad that I now have dreams of her, please miss… whoever you are, where can I see you again (she’s gone home thanks to ASUU, oh my bed’s so gonna be cold for a while lol).

The Tip Of The Iceberg...

Exams, exams, exams… this is by far the most stressful exams Unibend has conducted first, there was the ASUU strike (don’t get me started on that…) that ended in them shifting my exams forward by 2 weeks, about what I did in those two weeks, hmm… another story for another day. And unibend in their own bendly way decided to make things more interesting. After a week of exams, they issued a circular stating that the exams will be ending the upper week!!! U go fear rushing now, some people had two exams on the same day, which was not like a new thing for my class since in our year 1 they made us write 3 exams on the same day! Others had on Sunday, SUNDAY!!!
And so my department, the one and only (in their small minds) economics and statistics decided that they were tired of using their lecturers as invigilators (like we even have up to 15 lecturers) and decided to use the non teaching staff as in, secretaries, drivers and so on to invigilate. Trust my classmates, there were ecstatic looking for the best possible option, whether E’pa or his crew were involved (now, E’pa is…how do I put this… a serious runs man, he works for the former HOD or the current HOD anyway, when E’pa has your back, boy are you covered. He is very helpful when it comes to re-arranging ur seatmates and all…) anyway these non academic staff virtual turned our halls into market places where using of chuckuli a.k.a. missiles, bomb, bullets, expo… were fully sanctioned, with a price of course.
Anyway my exams have turned me to a vampire or a nocturnal creature and trust students now, during exams there’s no available space for reading night or day and so my favorite reading spot, pharmacy a.k.a. bedbugville became infested with the serious, the unserious and the clowns who just come to class to constitute or sleep as if they don’t have homes… Anyway yesterday, I was at one bouka like that trying to satisfy my tummy before reading when something very funny happened. Now, girls before you look at me as a hater or something let me say this I LOVE GIRLS, frankly, I don’t know what we guys will ever do without u guys but sometimes una deh FUCKUP!!! Now like I said I was in a bouka eating and grumbling on the quantity of the food compared to the price I was paying then these two guys walked in with two girls in tow, now these girls had chicken republic take away packs with them and I guessed that they were just from there cos the girls were still eating their ice cream like some 2 year olds and really flaunting their packs. Now for those of you who don’t know, sorry to say the typical unibend girl is…HUNGRY!! Open a new joint and you see all of them looking for a potential maga that will take them out… anyway like I was saying, the guys sat down and ordered for food, and I was like ki lo de? Are you guys not from chicken republic, what are you doing in a bouka? Abi food don finish for that side? And while the girls ate their chicken and chips, the guys were busy with their 100 naira a plate rice, the sad part was that the girls finished their chicken and chips, asked for spoons and joined these guys to eat their small food, I overheard one of the guys saying that the food in chicken republic porges him and its only at boukas that he can eat without fear and I was like shey I resemble small pikin weh una go deh throw this kind lie for abi? Time to pay, the guys were out of money and when they asked the girls, trust the typical unibend girl, she said she didn’t have any money on her. Now, ask me how much they asked for, 50 naira and I was like for Gods sake how wont you have money with you!!! I just couldn’t take it any more, I had to leave before I would be “led by the spirit” to say something. Now why do girls do this, you make yourself so cheap in the eyes of guys. I remember a date I had with a girl some time back, at the end of lunch (it was at a respectable restaurant by the way) we were actually fighting for who would pay the bill, I had to convince her to pay for the taxi that would take us home at the end before she let go. Believe me girls, its things like this that trips a responsible guy, not one who is in it for the “wiping” I’m yet to see this in unibend, when a girl will just decide to spoil her boyfriend for a day, I have come across a lot of girls in my 4 years here and anytime I ask this, the response I get is “why will I spend for a guy”? or “guys are supposed to take care of us” what happened to the saying you girls readily quote “what a man can do, a woman can do better” does it not apply here or you use it at your own convenience, the girls over here (unibend) need to change their mentality and know that life is not about me! me! Me!!!, others are also involved, life is not always about the fast lane. Rolling with the car owners, gong clubbing and shit. There are times you should actually ask “what the fuck am i doing in school!!” a sad story was of the girls who because of a party left the school at past 2 am and headed to town to flex and ended up being sex slaves for the night. All for partly sums or no money at all, I mean has it come to that, that the typical unibend girl is known for one or 3 things, a very serious girl (10%), a nymphomaniac (60%) or a full blown… you do the maths. we really have a long way to go in this great school…
I’m finally finishing my exams on Monday next week and I’m so so tired, I pray I don’t have a nervous or a health breakdown soon with all the stress im going through right now!

Judgement Day...

(Gong, gong, gong…) the bell fag rings the bell for the last wake up call this session, gradually the school comes alive with junior students scurrying like rats, rushing to get water and trying in vain to look for their missing items (clothes, buckets and all…) shouts of “hey that junior boy!” rent the air as the lazier senior students look for an unfortunate junior student to get water or do demeaning chores for them (trust me, if u don’t think washing somebody’s boxers isn’t demeaning then…).
This was the scene every last day of the term but the highpoint was at the end of the session. I remember my time as a junior student. I dreaded this day because of the amount of work, gosh! We had to make sure the hostel was spick and span (hope I got that right, anyway I isn’t no English student jare... ) where was I… ehem, the seniors would pair us and make us do stupid things like slap ourselves, burst or pick their pimples like some lower primates if not that, there was the massage session or washing spree! But we did all this with gladness knowing it was only a matter of hours before school would officially be on break and all elements of seniority would end (at least for a month…) but like all things good, there was a bad side to the last day of the session, that was the day you got to see your result for the term and session and know if you were going to the next class or not. It was popularly known as “judgment day”. Now unlike many of you guys that went to “crème” schools, where your teachers first talked to you before giving you your result, which was usually in a sealed envelope and shit… my school announced the people that moved on to the next class, got promoted on trial, repeated, and those that were asked to withdraw from the school. Most times you never knew where you stood till they had passed your class. I remember my last judgment day vividly… I was in ss1, and we had been hearing rumors about the new rule that only allowed people with 6 credits and above including math’s and English to be promoted (believe me they enforced things like this to the letter, I’m a living example but that’s another story for another day…) anyway, and since yours truly sucked at math’s (back then if I may add) I was among the many students that prayed throughout the night for a miracle (ok, let me be honest, like 10 minutes, but that was a big step for me then). So by 12pm, the bell fag rang the bell for the special parade and after the long prayers and talks by different members of staff we got down to the main business of the day (now we always prayed something would happen to our commandant or the weather would make things easy for us, although there was this one time in my Jss2 that it rained throughout the day but trust my kill joy commandant, he made us do it by 7pm that evening!)
Commandant – “yes the name of those to repeat in jss1 silver”
Students – groan
And he went on and on till he got to my class…
Commandant –“ss1 emerald. Out of a class of 40, we have 32 people that passed, 8 repeat and 2 to withdraw”
Scarlet boy – “please God!”
Commandant –“those to repeat are as follows…”
Scarlet boy – “I’ll be good. I’ll give alms to the poor, I’ll stop being greedy, I’ll start going to church on Sundays! Ooh I’ll be soo GOOD!!!”
Commandant – “Number 1…”
Scarlet Boy – PLEASE GOD!!!!
And so the torture went on, believe me those 2 or so minutes were like 10 years, it was as if time stood still, everywhere was quiet with the occasional shriek or sobs by people whose name had been called, it was till he moved on to the next class that I actually realized that I made it! I gave a very big YES!! (That earned me 12 strokes of the bulalla or fan belt I really don’t remember) and hugs and kisses (yeah right, that sounded nice) to all my classmates for successfully moving on to the next class.
Yeah that was some day.

p.s
im starting exams on wednesday, thanks to ASUU. and im so not ready!! sha God Deh
Ciao...

something for the week

Monday, monday... my system finaly decided to show me that its still important, it refused to start up, so i had no other option than to format it. i lost all my songs, videos, pictures (chei, that one pain me sha!!!), term paper drafts, assignments and my project materials. im still in shock believe me. i have vowed NEVER to buy any HP product AGAIN!!! See these oyibo people ehn, they want to ruin my life, but God pass them. Right now, im in one seedy cafe at anatomy gate (the side gate of UNIBEND) next to some lads filling their jamb forms online (gosh, do people still write that exam) and one "yahoo boy" that has started asking me when im sleeping so he will use my laptop to browse, im praying to God that the police or "the real owners" of the laptop dont come and collect it from me who just happens to "hold it" for them. yes, one cow died behind my faculty over the weekend and trust unibend authorities, they refused to remove the carcas (hope i spelt that right if not, na una sabi!!!) anyway where was i, yes so they turned us to ninjas, see everybody with hankies over their noses even. even some kind gals wey their body/hair odour deh compete with the smell also cover their nose (chei, i don see things oh!!!) i can still taste the smell (if there is anything like that) of the dead cow and i deh tell my papa say na school i come...
Back to reality... ive managed to get the bulk of my materials sha, frankly, im in no mood to post anything as im tired, confused, fustrated... anyway i just wanted to share this wondaful piece from someone i cant get enough of (pity he doesn't blog anymore) MR FINEBOY. Enjoy.

Son of my Father....

I was awoken by a phone call from my popsi this morning men. Omo! The man called at like 7.30, and I was still half-way in dreamland when the man started . See, my pops doesn’t just call to talk . The guy go use grammar explode your head! Na so the guy wan use English dabaru my brain today o.

Popsi: Well, son, what are your instincts about the Atiku fiasco? Nigeria is markedly facing an irrevocably devastating cataclysm no matter how much these bloody despots try to dress the situation up……..

What??? Men, me I’m having a hard time deciding between scones and eggs or yam and corned beef for breakfast, and this baba is talking politics this early momo. Since I started my master’s at this school sef, my popsi has just started seeing me as some young genius that he can be discussing current affairs with. I wouldn’t even mind if the guy didn’t use all these words to finish me! Ah ah!

Me: Yeah Dad, it’s a pretty sad situation.

Popsi: Of course it is son, but what are your thoughts? You as a third world youth, surveying the world through the eyes of one who is not only an envoy in the diaspora, but also a citizen and denizen of both civilizations. Your perspective is particularly unique in terms of your intrinsic loyalties, isn’t it? Your birthplace in the west and your so called motherland in the third world must make the reconciliation process a battle…….

Chei! This man men! Omo, this guy should leave me alone! All this grammar! I just mumbled something about the whole world being in trouble, and said I had to hurry up and get ready for an early morning class. After I dropped the phone, I swear I almost had to pour cold water on my head because it was sizzling!

Popsi men, the guy na one kin’ guy. When I wrote my personal essay for my master’s, I sent it out to him and my older siblings to edit. Meeeeen! If you see the way the baba scatter grammar for the thing eh? As in, I got his comments back and I was confused. The guy wanted to wound me with oyinbo o. I didn’t even bother trying to decipher what the hell he was trying to say in the e-mail men. That’s how I would have asked the baba and he would have given more machine gun fire. I just allow am men.

I think my popsi’s employees have suffered it the worst.

We used to have one driver like this, Mr. Sunday. Just remembering the dude is cracking me up. He was short and stocky, with a thick neck and a basketball head. Remember Giringori from new Masquerade??? The guy looked exactly like him. In fact, maybe na the guy sef.

As in, Mr. Sunday was a character. One day, he came to work, and he had apparently gotten into trouble for something. All I remember was my popsi shouting,

“Sunday, your impropriety and incivility have begun to reach insanely astronomical proportions! Your portfolio of misdeeds is ridiculously embarrassing and if you don’t make an effort to change, you’d end up like just another statistic in the number of employees physically assaulted by their employers. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself, and this is the last admonishment you will ever get from me, you imbecile!”

My popsi went inside the house.

Omo! Mr. Sunday was dazed. The guy just sat on the pavement, staring into space for a minute. He now started scratching his head with both hands, then started rubbing it, and then finally burst into tears...…as in serious weeping o!

You had to see it to believe it. Our steward, Mr. Morris noticed Mr. Sunday bawling his eyes out and went to find out what was wrong with him. As in, the guy’s shoulders were heaving up and down, and he was mumbling something in Calabar, almost wailing o.

Mr.Morris: Sunday, wetin happen now?

Mr. Sunday looked up at his colleague.

“Ha! Morris! Oga don kill me o.”

Mr.Morris: How oga take kill you?

Mr. Sunday: You dey ask me question....aaaaah.... I say Oga don finish my life patapata. Chineke! My pikin dem go suffer o.....

Mr.Morris: Sunday, no dey cry now. You no know say you be big man? No cry. Wetin happen?

Mr.Sunday: Morris respect yasef o! Respect yasef! I dey tell you say I don die finish, you dey ask me tory. Eeeeeeeeeh! (loud weeping)


Mr.Morris: Sunday, I wan help you now! If you no talk, how person go take help you?

Mr.Sunday: Chinekemeee! Oga don sack me o! Oga don send me comot.

Mr.Morris looked at him in shock. “Sack ke? Wetin you do?”

Mr.Sunday: I no know o……haaaaa (Calabar mumbling)

Mr.Morris: So why oga go sack you? Wetin oga talk gan gan?

Mr.Sunday: Haaaa! Oga swear for my mama and papa o! E just dey fire the English one by one on top my head. Karatimbim, paratombom! Oga swear for me well well! I no hear one thing wey oga talk o! But the grammar wey im use, I no say this one na the battle to end all battles. Help me beg oga, abeg.

That’s how my popsi came back out, ready to leave for work. He saw Mr.Sunday crying on the ground.

“Sunday, are you alright?”

Mr. Sunday lay prostrate on the gravel. The crying now entered full gear.

“Aaaaaaaaaah! Oga abeeeeg sah! Eeeeeeh! Take me back Oga sah. I no go do bad again oga. My papa, God bless you sah. Eeeeeeeeh! I get four pikin….”

“My friend, get up and get in the car! What in the world do you mean ‘take you back’? Who fired you? What a twit!”

Mr.Sunday sprang up, a huge grin across his face. “Na God go bless you oga!”

The funny thing was that Mr. Sunday was actually a very brave guy. He wasn’t afraid to curse people out in front of my popsi o, and the dude had the filthiest mouth ever. He was a short little trouble maker.

I know I’m diverting away from the original topic, but let me yarn you about Mr. Sunday small. Kai, una sef like tory! Anyway, the guy used to harass people on the road all the time, and the guy’s catalogue of curse words was something else. The dude was hilarious.

If he saw a girl walking by in a miniskirt, he would say “See this yeye monkey! Na ashawo o! Na another woman husband she dey follow o!”

The guy would cuss anybody on the road. His usual weapon was the can of insecticide in the glove compartment. If he was cursing somebody out he would shout,

“Wait, wait. I go flit your face now. God punish you!” and would start fumbling around in the glove compartment.

I’ll never forget one incident one morning, on the way to school. Mr. Sunday was driving, I was sat at the back, my brother CM was in the passenger seat, and my cousin Teni was in the back as well. Apparently, some guy nearly hit Mr.Sunday's car. That’s how he started.

“Damboroba! Your mama go die! You dey crase, I know say no be ya fahicle sef! Your papa sef no buy bicycle. Sharrap!”

The other guy looked pissed! He signalled Mr. Sunday to park, so that they could fight, while as usual, Mr. Sunday started fiddling around for his insecticide.

“I go flit your face! Na me go marry ya wife today….come make I flit your face! Yeye man!”

The other guy was unfazed. He shouted at Mr. Sunday to follow him, so that they could park in a nice spot and fight. The guy’s eyes were red o!

The guy made a left, and Mr. Sunday followed him. We were egging him on as well, and he goes,

“Leave am, I go beat am ehn, im mama sef no go know am. Bastard man!”

When the guy wanted to make the next right, he pointed right and trafficated, well in advance. When Mr.Sunday made the right as well, the guy pumped his fist in the air outside his window, as if to say, “Yes! Come on!” The guy was up for it o.

Na so Mr. Sunday begin sweat. The guy in the other car slowed down and trafficated and pointed left. Mr. Sunday attempted to turn right, saying to us “No mind am. If no be say you go late for school eh, I for beat am well well.”

What?? There was no way we were going to let the guy off like that o. All of us just started shouting,

“Noooo!!!! Mr. Sunday follow him, follow him! So you can beat him up and teach him a lesson!”

The pressure was too much, and his pride was at stake. Mr. Sunday reluctantly followed the guy and parked behind him. He was sweating profusely now.

We were just cracking up at this point. The other guy was fuming!!! Kai, this guy was sure to brush Mr.Sunday's life!

The bobo jumped out of his car and bounded to Mr. Sunday.

“My mama? Heh, my mama?”

With one short quick move, the guy had jacked the short and stout Mr. Sunday, lifting him clean off the ground! Chei! Mr. Sunday was shaking like a leaf. I think the dude was even disappointed that Mr. Sunday was such a punk. He goes,“I go break your head today! My own mama?”

Silence.

"Hehn? My mama?"

We heard Mr.Sunday saying at the bottom of his voice, almost whispering,

“Gree me go, bros. Gree me go abeg.”

“Heh???”

“Gree me go, my senior bros. No disgrace me in front my pikins dem.... I just dey make mouth. My mouth too much....”

Oh My God, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. The guy just dropped Mr. Sunday and spat at him as he walked to the car. When he got into the car, Mr.Sunday didn’t say anything for like 15 minutes. Then when the way don clear well well, he said,

“Na because of una I no beat that man o. Yeye man, im mama for no know am.”

That was Mr.Sunday for you o. Joker.

Anyway, sorry, back to Chief Fineboy. That’s how the man is always using grammar to scatter his employee’s heads o. Even we, his kids, used to be on the receiving end of his oyinbo assaults. We hated getting into trouble, ‘cos he would make you feel like an ass without even touching you.

I remember one time, I went to this party with my older brother and my friend Prettyboy. We didn’t tell anyone we were going out, and when we got home at about 1 am, Chief Fineboy was sitting in the ante-room by the front door, asleep on a sofa. Damn! He had clearly been waiting up for us. As soon as we walked in, he just looked at us, and said “You urchins finally arrive. Welcome home,” and went upstairs.

We were dumbfounded. Thank God! No yawa! My popsi was travelling to the South of France the next morning, and we were supposed to be joining him in two days. We used to go to Provence every Summer for a week before heading to London. Our family always stayed at this villa that belonged to Monsieur Perpignani, Chief Fineboy’s French friend and business partner.

The next morning, I went to say hello to my popsi. That’s how the guy just looked at me.

“Morning. You boys continually choose to act like buffoons. If you want to be buffoons, I will treat you as such. By the way, your France trip is cancelled.”

Yeeeeepa! Men I wan die o! Remember as a kid, all you lived for was your trips abroad during the holidays? Kai, I was gonna go back to school with the same bafs and shoes. That was the worst punishment ever. That was typical Chief Fineboy o. His weapon was always his mouth, and if I start giving you examples of some of his verbal assaults, we go dey here all day.

But I think his worst punishment ever was the 404 episode. Omo men, I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. See, my late grandfather had a Peugeot 404. Before he died, he left it in his will for my popsi. You know those ooooooold 404’s with the diamond shaped headlights? Like 1950 something!!!!!Well, Chief Fineboy loved his popsi to death and was so proud of the fact that his father had left him the car. It was parked in a garage at the house for ages, until one yeye driver that we had, Baba Ala, had a bright idea.

“Eskis sa! That 404 is still very good o! Ejo sah, please give me the car. It’s in very good condition.”

I think my popsi just thought about it, and said….hmm…if the car still ran well, it would be an honour to his father if he actually made use of it instead of just leaving it parked there.

Kai! One day, I was leaving school with Prettyboy (he was coming to my house), when I spotted the car. Hehn!!! It couldn’t be that 404 o! Everybody was walking out of school, and that bastard driver, Baba Ala, had gone and parked the 404 between a C-class benz and a lexus. This couldn’t be happening! Jesus Christ! I was so bloody embarrassed, I just walked past the car. That’s how the guy started shouting o…

“FIIIIIIIIINEBOY!!!!!! Wa o! Je ka ma lo le!!” (Come here, let’s go home!)

Bloody hell! EVERYBODY turned to stare at me and that morrafucka Prettyboy just disappeared into the crowd like he didn’t know me o. Men! I got into the pangolo car, and I think I died. The seats were even high again, so everybody would see you as you rode around in it. All the babes were cracking up, and my rep suffered a devastating blow that day.....chei!

Needless to say I never lived that one down, and I never forgave my popsi. He even tried to give me one yeye explanation.

“When one’s parents bequeath something of such enormous emotional significance, it’s only right to appreciate it and utilise the gift. I hope you shall do the same when I leave the 404 to you, son.”

Yeah right...

getting serious...(i wish)

Hmm…its been one hell of a week!! Approved my project topic (cheers!!!) by the way its….. sha its something to do with the stock market and economic development sha. Why are you looking at at me like that, I have exams and other things to prepare for so my project has to wait. Madam is fine, thanks for your comments last week. Its been make up, breakups and more make ups (gulp… I think I'm in love!) I have been reading like a muda! so i plan to go dark for a while but dont worry i will be back immediately after my exams i promise (scouts honor!) but knowing me I’ll be back here some time next week (mind over body…..) but I promise you, my next post will be so so…

STAY TUNED

The Saga Continues...

Hmm… my life feels like a soap opera these days, right now I’m a mixture of anger, confusion and sadness. Let me let down my walls just this once, like they say, when you have a problem , one of the best ways of solving it is to get it off your chest by talking bout it…

Now I have a confession to make, I’ve never been a “ladies man” per se, in fact there was a time my dad thought I was gay cos I never had any female friends! I was and still am very much of a loner, keeping few friends and even sometimes when some people want to be friendly to me… best put like this, it takes a lot for me to actually be friends with someone, but once we are friends, there is no limit to the things I can do for you. I regard my friends that much! Anyway one of the few things I found out about myself as I was growing up was that while most of my friends and age mates found it very easy or natural to meet someone out of the blue and start chatting, collecting numbers and all, it was near impossible for me to do this. I can actually count the number of gals I’ve walked up to to say hi just for the fun of it. Now I also found out that I'm the kind of person that falls in love so easily, asin its really bad, so its no surprise that all break ups have left me devastated, asin u don’t want to see me after a breakup, no matter how short the duration of the relationship. Now why am I telling you guys this I wonder, frankly I don’t know… I just feel pissed with myself that I keep on falling in love with people that always end up hurting me. I have been hurts so many times that I feel I don’t know how I'm ever going to love someone again. I have been seeing this girl for the past month and the amount of SHIT I've had to put up with ehn, has left me with two choices, break up with her and get on with my life or, wait and see if she… well if she decides to behave herself. Now I really don’t even know why most times people ask too much from me, for God’s sake I'm a freeking human being! First it was the restriction on the level of intimacy for now till we’re fully grounded (whatever she means by that I don’t know, but make she remember say body no be wood oh!!), and I was like “ok, its going to be hard but I’ll try to keep my hands  and lil’ scarlet boy to myself” then she always wants to be around me every single day every single free period even on Sundays, she insists I come join her fellowship and I'm like “o gal, dat one no just fit happen cos if there is anything I can toy with, never my religion”  before you know it, you will be asking me to stop talking to my friends and stuff (gosh, I'm supposed to have a life too you know!!), then the worst part, she's soooo possessive!!! Gosh now I know what chris brown must have been going through, anyway we were only 1 week and trouble reared its ugly head. Now see me see trouble, she invited me to her fellowship on Sunday and normally I would have declined but in the name of “love” I obliged gosh had I known. First the service was supposed to start by 8.am and I was there by 8.15am, (abeg I no try), the person that invited me strolled in by past 10am, and then asked me to join her outside after I had secured a good seat! And I was like “hell no, we will see after service. Now please tell me, what did I do wrong? After service it became a tug of war ehn ok sorry for “abandoning you” na I’m the gal deh use me shine! Ok, my cool side took over oya sorry… I begged this gal till 7 pm. Before she gree, I no try? (two slaps for doing that, twai!!, twai!!)

Wednesday the next week was another thing all together, now I saw her at “main gate” (the campus main gate) and we exchanged pleasantries and all that and the…(deep breath), she told me about a party in Ekosodin (the students village behind school, note she didn’t invite me) and I was like ok, have fun. I called her like past 6 and she still didn’t say anything, ok see me trying to stuff some books in my head, when I get a call, this is past 8 and she’s like come over please I want to se you. Now for those of you that don’t know Unibend, ekosodin is the worst place in terms of security, it has the highest number of cult killings and robberies and to crown it all I’ve lost 3 friends in that hell hole. I find it difficult to go there in the day time talk less of at night, so I’m like “please I’m not sure I will be able to make it” and she’s like “this is a time to show that you really love me”( now due to some recent events I’ve become very paranoid, there are some things I cant no matter what you do or say do) so I was like “I’ll pass” and she was like “ok, I know what to do” and I was like (see me see wahala)“oh gal, do whatever you want to do oh!”. Now tell me, what did I do wrong? I thought she was the one forming Jackie Shan!!! Anyway I was sitting in my room watching Chelsea thrash Liverpool (go blues go!!) when I hear a knock on my door, I open and there stands O looking like I’ve killed her favorite dog, “come in ” I say and she’s like “I want to see you” and I’m like “ok”, so we step outside  and she starts ranting like a real mad woman saying things like  “I came here to shame you since you are too scared to come to ekosodin, I have come here” (na you know the evil spirit weh deh push you), “I’m 10 times of a man than you”(yeah right, try taking a piss standing straight), “I’m so disappointed in you, and you claimed to love me” (cos say I say I love you no mean say I go enter lions den for you ehn!) now don’t get me wrong, I like this gal die but, like my friend will say, love with your heart but at the same time don’t lock out your head. And so the insults kept on pouring and before you know it an hour had passed and when she was spent  (trust me I know better than to trade words with a girl and one on her “period” at that) I saw her back to where she could take a bus home… gosh I miss the old me, the vicious, insultive, crazy lad, where is he (note to self, look for the old scarlet boy, he is greatly needed)

I’m tired, I miss the days when I was single and was responsible to nobody, when I could dress like an “madman” and to hell with everyone, when I could stop and clown around with any gal I happened to meet on the way and not feel as if I was cheating on someone, when I didn’t have to turn to a vampire because of free mid night calls, when I didn’t owe nobody any call, when… I’m just tired, I’ve been looking for a serious relationship for some time but now I’m in one it seems as if I’m not just ready for it and the thought of breaking someone’s heart really pains me…(though, reverse might be the case here) I’m as confused as a dog in a calabar mans kitchen…. Sha lets see how the remaining episodes play out in the series “the life and times of scarlet boy, season 4” in short I’m CONFUSED, TIRED AND SICK OF EVERYTHING!!! Gosh I want to be single again!!

A Letter To My Mum

Dear mom,

It’s been a while; tomorrow will make it 10 years since that fateful morning. I really miss you, I wish you could see me now, I have really changed. I’m now a lot taller, I now keep a beard which I manage to trim when I can. A lot has changed at home oh, Moe, is now a Doctor, yeah she’s serving at Adamawa, and Onasek is in his second year in Unibend, don’t worry I’m looking after him like you would have asked me to. Kings is also a Doctor and he’s also married with a beautiful child, Maris is also married and has a child, Ben is also married and yes with a beautiful baby girl C.E O is also married with a child, Italo is also married with a child and christo is also married, you should see granny, she cant get enough of her grand children and I know if you were here, you would have been so proud of them. Dad really misses you, most times he try’s to hide it but we all see and pretend we don’t know whats up. You are always a reference point on how a good wife, mother and life partner should be.

I made my junior WAEC though and went on to make my WAEC &NECO though I know if you were around, the result would have been a lot better. I am now in my finals, yeah I know its seems like yesterday when you dropped me off in Jos, and as promised I chose Unibend, sorry Uniben but ended up studying Economics And Statistics and not Electrical Engineering as we earlier agreed, I was not just feeling the whole science thing I know you would have understood. I have been diligent in my studies just like you wanted, I copy my notes and do my assignments, remember the time in pry 5 when you found out I wasn’t copying my notes and after a serious thrashing went around looking for my classmates to get notes for me and ended up copying them for me, I haven’t missed a note since then or the time I was asked to repeat my JSS2 because I didn’t make math’s and you took the next bus to Jos to raise hell, only a mother like you would do that.

The church you used to love singing in has been completed (finally), wish you could see it, it’s fully air conditioned and the choir you used to sing in now has new robes (thank God for that). Nobody has been able to fill the soprano part as everyone still says your voice was the best, your friends in the choir are still there and always have fond tales of you, the choir master is still there, at over 80 he is still faithful to his brand, gulder. Lets see… yes, the children’s Sunday school hall has also been completed and plans have been made to fix interlocking pavement stones in front to further beautify the surroundings. Lets see… yes festac has also undergone some major transformations, from bad to worse asin (ooh.. sorry for that) the roads are worse and light is now so bad that everyone now has a generator !

Im sorry I wasn’t at your burial, I haven’t forgiven myself for not coming home even after you asked me to, I was angry at what now is so irrelevant, I have to live with the fact that I was angry with you till you passed. Im so sorry and hope that when I see you again you would be able to forgive me… just know that I will never forget you, everything you have taught me has not been discarded as I still draw wisdom from conversations we had way back and even recently your diaries, I feel most times when I read them we are communicating, you will always be a part of me as I see you everyday, from your photo in my wallet to the portrait in the houses in Benin and Lagos. I have a lot of questions to ask you like why and how… but I will leave them and a whole lot more for the day we finally meet and are reunited once again. I love and miss you so much and trust me I will pass everything you taught me down to my children who will do the same to theirs… My only prayer is that I can find someone as intelligent, beautiful, caring, special… as you. But like they say, you were truly one in a million.

                                             I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MUM!!

                                                                                                                                             Your loving son

                                                                                                                                              Scarletboy

im back

Gosh, its been long oh… I missed blogging (sob) it wasn’t my fault, it was the  devil (yeah right). But seriously, I have been on the verge of loosing it for the past 2weeks. First my phone miraculously restored my messages (believe me im stil in shock), I finaly got someone with windows installation CD and repaired my OS and my PC Is back and better. So I made a promise to myself that if my system works ehn, I will delete all manner of…(ehem) “movies” I had. So see me deleting my “stash” of (ehem) movies and I got so carried away that I deleted my “legal” movies ehn , I lost my transformers 2 that I just downloaded, my x-men  wolverines revenge, even my collectables like season 1 and 2 of the boondocks… gosh I know I shed a tear for my lost films, I short lets observe a moment of silence for my lost movies…………. Thank you. Now the global financial crisis that had eluded me for some time finaly found its way back home. See me running up and down looking for money, my brothers on the other hand now decided that that was the best time to move to new houses and stuff, so automatically that meant nothing from them. The new song is “you know I just moved ” (yeah right but you bought a plasma TV from mega plaza for about 450k) asin im just tired.

Had a very quiet easter, (when ur broke, u wan cough?) and decided that I would rather die in Lagos than in Benin and so I packed my things and took the first (and I mean first) bus out of Benin!! (before you start laughing, I had some things to take care of in Lag oh!) Neway see me feeling like someone that just came from obodo, taking a stroll (my dad’s fine by the way) when I saw some small children that I knew when they were still on pinafore (asin when I finished secondary school they were still on pinafore) ok see me see them, these small shildren  that used to greet me “good morning, uncle” were like “hi” & “whats up” what is the world turning to? ME, SCARLETBOY!!! To greet them (chei I don suffer oh!!) ,these SMALL RATS!!!, because say una don deh grow boil for una chest abi, I no blame una sha. So trust me now, I just nod my head continue my waka…

The project supervisors list of my department has finally come out (abeg make una clap for them oh, mscheeeew) and im yet to get a project topic, but as they will say, when there is a will, there is a way. Im trusting  God for that (ok, now im getting all religious again… ). Sha I hope to post something juicy very very soon. Trust me it will be worth the wait.

From here its ciao.

april fools day hasnt even started and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

im getting fustrated, its like past one on the first of april and im batlin against the forces of evil as something has suddenly posessed my phone and laptop!!! (all my enemies DIE BY FIRE!!!!!!) my laptop refused to install another antivirus and is just in its own world and my phone suddenly corrupted all my messages!!!(SOB SOB!!) Now im a collector of text messages so imagine loosing over 600 messages in one night! i nearly smashed the phone but quickly remembered that... well no money to buy another one(SHIT!!!)In short, im so pissed i gont know wot im typing!!!

i stumbled on this note by one of my exschool mates Ivypoems and well... im not much of a poet sha and una know say na expo we deh carry for english class that year (chuckle...) but i know something thats gud and so i decided to share, enjoy...

HE, SHE, YOU AND I ARE ALL LOST

I’m lost because life’s complexity keeps arriving at my doorstep more often than simplicity
I’m lost because she let me in her world and now I’m lost in it
I’m lost because when I go to University I don’t understand most lectures.
You are lost because you keep letting your schooling get in the way of your education
I’m lost because most times I look in the mirror who I see is not who I expected to see
You are lost because you sometimes doubt the Creators amazing grace
You are lost because you are always lusting over the opposite sex
You are lost because you have dreams but you never chase your dreams
You are lost if for one split moment you believed in Darwinism
She’s lost because she’s deeply in love with him; he is just in lust with her bosom
He is lost because he thinks knocking the boots with loads of girls makes him a real man
I’m lost because my parents didn’t teach me anything about the birds and the bees
I’m lost because instead of revising for my exams, but I’m on Facebook constantly refreshing my homepage for updates and news


She’s lost because she thinks she’s hotter than the sun and the world revolves around her big behind
He is lost because he can’t be himself in a world that’s constantly trying to change everyone
She’s lost because she keeps going where any path leads instead of going where there’s no path and leave a new trail
Those couples over there are lost because they are unaware that their hottest love now might have the coldest ending later
I am lost because most times my mind travels like water travels through pipes, leaving me mesmerized and dazzled.


My mate Dave is lost because he keeps letting the few good girls slip through his hands like grains of sand. He is oblivious that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.
She’s lost because she’s irresponsible, hence she can’t think likely or hopeful of the future
He’s lost because he sees every gorgeous girl as a natural born beehive with honey filled to the top for him to tap some of it
You are lost because you never judge me by my questions, you only judge by my answers. Why?
I’m lost because my lack of clarity about some of my friends’ actions brings about cautious anxiety when I do associate with them
She’s lost because she lacks self esteem, neither does she take pride in how far she has come nor does she have faith in how far she can go in life.
I’m lost because every time she smiles at me, my heart jumps and I’m consumed with shyness plainly because her smile is as bright as a fluorescent lamp
This world is a big place; we all get lost or lose something at some point,
You are not alone,
We can’t help it, 
We just can’t help it.
You think you can control it??? Get lost.

                                                                    P.S

Met someone last week...lets see how it goes, but like one of my personalities will say, she could be the one. only time will tell